The Adventures of Milo

Trent From Punchy

2008-07-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

You know...over the years of my misspent youth I have frequently come across some of the most vile....scum-ridden excuses for human beings. This is a video of one of those times.

His name is Trent....and he is from Punchbowl.

Ciabatta or Whatever

2008-06-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Rex, a 5 Star Chef.....all ass and no class.

We went to a cafe for breakfast this morning. After complaining about the meagre offerings on the menu, Rex stated to the waitress.....

"Yeah, ill have the Ciabatta or whatever with jam........"

Rex, words cannot explain.........

Brotherhood Bares All On Australia Day

2008-06-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

A few years back on Australia Day, 3/4's of the Brotherhood decided that the festivities provided at the local pub were substandard and thus, decided that they would create their own fun at Linden.

Upon arriving at Linden, we gathered up supplies...that being alcohol, chairs and fire lamps and made our way to the top of the street to sit, drink and be merry. Now, as you are probably aware...linden is a hole......a cesspit of despair and angst...and has nothing to offer. So 3 goons sitting on the side of the highway, drinking and generally acting like tools would have been a sight to see for cars driving past.

Here is where we sat

So after about 4 hours of solid drinking, and many attempts to get cars to toot their horns at us, we noticed a cop car driving down the highway on the other side of the road. As there were 3 of us sitting in deck chairs on the side of the road, very pissed and with fire lamps illuminating us the police obviously saw us as prime candidates for drunk & disorderly or something of the like.

I saw the cop look at us as he drove past and I counted all of about 15 seconds before the came flying back up the highway, like a bat out of hell, lights flashing etc etc. Mr Coppa and his lowly Prob. Const got out of the car and proceeded to chastise us for drinking on the highway and that we were probably upsetting the local residents etc etc.

I immiediatly rebutted his statement with...

"I live here, and believe me....there are no neighbours within shouting distance that could even hear us......and besides....when was the last time you partied in Linden....didnt you know...its the place to be."

Mr Coppa Jnr did not share my enthusiasm..

"I still dont think that you should be drinking here lads..."

" But Sir, we are not affecting anyone....we are merely sitting on the side of the road, enjoying a beverage on Australia Day....and FYI there are no 'Alcohol Free Zone' signs anywhere here."

So....after much debate and coercing we managed to convince the cops to let us stay and drink, which they obliged to as long as we cleaned up after ourselves...of course they had to turn their sirens and lights on as they left...dick heads.

We decided that we would do the Can-Can on the highway to see how much attention we could draw.....yes....four guys doin the Can-Can on a four lane highway. Did I mention that we were doing it in our boxer shorts?

Of course you could imagine that people in the mountains having not seen such outlandish behavior before were tooting their horns and yelling all sorts of foul obscenities out of the windows.

Of course I, Prince of Darkness.....not wanting to be outdone decided that I would streak...from the bottom of the hill near a truck parking bay to the top of the hill....about 8-9 hundred metres or so away from where we were......and so it was that I ran.....balls out up the highway streaking for the truckers....rednecks and maybe the odd hot mountain goat back to where the brotherhood were standing......with shaking heads and jaws agape.

N.B When the cops had left with their sirens blaring...my father ( being a retired cop) decided that he would investigate as to why there was such a commotion at the end of the street......upon walking to the top of the road...he saw the brotherhood doing the Can-Can in their boxers. Poor bastard

The Initiation of Kane

2008-06-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

To start this story, I must describe to you....in great detail the person known as Kane.

Kane was a deprived child, one of a twin....Kane often found himself the brunt of our chastising and general shit shovelling. His brother Luke managed to avoid this constant barrage of heckling as he really never hung around us. Kane on the other hand stuck to the brotherhood like shit to a blanket. We often called Kane "The Placenta" as he looked like his brother, only shorter....skinner and with a look that clearly said "I was touched as a child"

Kane's mum was an ex-hooker turned alcoholic (who once tried to shag Sindel) and his dad was a convicted criminal who, if memory serves me correctly had the entire SWAT team surround his house because he had taken his family hostage......with a BB gun.

Anyway, as I was saying....Kane regularly became the shit and we, the blanket. I took pity upon Kane and decided that the best way to denude him of his social ineptness and give him some form of moral fibre was to have him hang with I, The Prince of Darkness.

And so it was, Kane Butress....became.....well my butler so to speak. Some examples of my exploitation of Kane's welfare were:

* Make him vacuum my apartment.
* To make coffee for me.
* To score my weed for me.
* To, on occasion.....when I had no cash....steal my food for me from the supermarket.

Yes, I am going to hell.

One particular evening, whilst out at Squirts parents house, Rex and I were drinking supreme amounts of Vodka......Kane called and asked us if he could come over to which I replied sure.....but u have to make your own way here...I am drunk. He said that he would walk.

THIS IS HOW FAR HE WALKED....IDIOT!

I looked at Rex, and said.....in a deviant voice "Initiation?"

Upon Kanes arrival at Squirts house, I politely asked him if he would like to be a formal member of the brotherhood ( of course nothing he could have done would have given him membership.....nothing at all. As members go.....we're at capacity"). Kane eagerly replied and asked what he had to do.

I poured him a schooner glass of warm vodka and said, drink ALL of this in under 10 seconds.

Not so bad I hear you say!

Logistically Kane is about as big as your standard midget, also very very skinny. Similar in proportions to that of your standard 4 year old Ethiopian.

To his credit he drank the whole thing. I was fucking amazed.

A few minutes later, Rex and I decided to go inside and watch the rest of a movie and asked Kane to come in too. He said that he did not feel so well and would just chill outside for the moment.

After being inside for about the time it takes to eat a McChicken.....we hear a massive crash outside, we run out to find Kane has fallen off his chair....hit his head on the table and passed out on the concrete.

We pondered this situation for a moment, not sure of what to do with him...not wanting to bring him inside. Then it hit me.

I picked him up by the back of his shirt and his belt and carried him, inside to the spare bedroom. Asking Rex along the way to open the sleeping bag up and lay it out like a doona on the bed. I then threw Kane on top of it and proceeded to wrap him, like a big fat joint in the doona.

Once he was firmly wrapped, I then went to the bathroom and got a razor, shaving cream and libra fleur pad.

Rex looked at me like I was some sort of Sadistic fucker....which.....I guess I was.

I shaved off his eyebrow, stuck that libra fluer pad on his face then proceeded to slap his face till he woke up.

The following is an excerpt of the events.

Jimmy "Slap Slap Slap...."WAKE UP C#$T...slap slap slap"
Kane "What, what....where am I?"
Jimmy " What can you see Kane?"
Kane "You bro....I can see you"
Jimmy "Don't lie bitch, you have a pad on your face"

Rex and I then grabbed the end of the sleeping bag and in one flicking motion, ejected Kane from the sleeping bag. As soon as he hit the floor he began to heave and wretch.....not wanting him to vomit on Squirts floor I grabbed him by the back of his neck, stuck my hand over his mouth and dragged him to the bathroom....vomit leaking out between my fingers.

He threw up a whole steak in the sink, witnessing his heinous actions......I picked up the steak and shoved it back in his mouth and ripped that Libra Fleur pad off his face.

I am surely going to burn in hell for this.

He looked in the mirror.......

Kane "Shit bro, where's my eyebrow, who stole my eybrow........?"
Jimmy "Rex stole it.....go get it back"
Kane "Nah man, not my eyebrow....I need that back, REX!!!! Gimme back my eyebrow"

Poor Kane....he never did get his eyebrow back. And as luck would have it, it grew back so fierce that his alcoholic mum took pity on him and shaved off the other one to even it up.

Bottle Bombs

2008-06-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Rex & Sindel always complain that I am the first to pass out...and as a result am always the first to wake up.

One day a few years back we were camping at the castle....a location that was infamous for debauchery, alcohol and misplaced skanks.

I, as usual had passed out early and woken up at the crack of dawn. Realising that my efforts to awaken the brotherhood were futile I decided to go and stoke the fire...have a morning beer and investigate the ruins of the castle. As I am always one for a good explosion, before setting off on my little adventure I threw a full bottle of Toohey's New in the fire. As nothing happened for 5 or so minutes I set off to see what I could find.

I distinctly remember digging in the dirt about 500 metres from where we were camped......then it happened. An enormous explosion ripped through the trees. I jumped up and looked in the direction of where we were camped and saw a mushroom cloud of dust and ash rising about 60ft into the air.

Fearing that I had just blown up my two best friends I ran like a Kenyan on steroids straight toward the campsite. Upon arriving I was relieved to see that the tent was still in place and that Rex & Sindel were still inside...STILL ASLEEP?!?!?!?!

There was no fireplace, no coals, nothing. I had blown a 4ft log about 25 ft away from the fireplace and left nothing but a patch of dirt. I never knew Toohey's New would be so volatile!

I scared myself half to death and those two bastards didn't even wake up.

The 2nd Time I Almost Died

2008-06-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

Prune........a 30 year old pyromaniac who spent too much time in Thailand smoking buds and drinking mushroom juice.

I met Prune through a mate of a mate and found that we had shared a similar fascination for blowing shit up....this is a excerpt of one of those times.

Prune instructed me to go to the supermarket and buy the following items:

10 rolls of electrical tape
4 boxes of 30m aluminum foil
2 500g cans of butane gas
1 roll of tie wire
2 cartons (40 boxes) of matches
20 packets of sparklers.

And so it was that we constructed our very own IED ( Improvised Explosive Device ).

I had the fantastic idea of gathering all the nails, screws, washers, bottle caps, nuts and broken glass that I could find in his shed and putting them in a zip lock bag...which we would then tape to the IED as a shrapnel bag....yes, a shrapnel bag ( sometimes my lack of forethought amazes even me)

Upon finishing the "Genocidal Death Bag" Warick, Prune and I went off to find a suitable area to detonate. We came upon a hole in the ground (about 1ft by 1ft square) which had half a tree stump next to it. This seemed and ideal location.

We lit the fuse (a sparkler) and ran like hell as far away as we possibly could.

We waited.....nothing........and waited.......still nothing......and waited some more....and still.....NOTHING.

I suggested to Prune that we investigate........he did not feel the same enthusiasm. As Warick was young and impressionable I coerced him into coming with me to check it out.

As we snuck up to the device, we noticed that it was smouldering....upon getting about 5 ft away from it....it made a sound that will sit with me as long as i live...I will try to explain it to you.

Get a drum stick and hit the back of an empty baked bean tin while making a sssssss noise with your mouth. It sounded something similar to that.

I immediately turned around, grabbed Warick and proceeded to run, faster that I ever have before.....straight through the bush.

As we were about 15 metres away from it, I jumped onto the ground just as it exploded. I could hear the bolts, nails and broken glass going over the top of my head.....I was going to die..........

After the smoke had settled and I had checked myself for a pulse and shrapnel wounds, deciding that it was safe enough to stand up....I started walking toward Prune.....and began to notice that the trees around me were covered in nails, bolts, glass and screws. Everyone of them missed us

We went to investigate the hole in the ground....which was now 4ft by 4ft......a truly massive explosion.

Not quite as big as the explosion that occurred when Prune's 9kg gas tank exploded in his shed, but that is his story.

N.B FATHER TIME HAS EMAILED ME:
Shit mother fucker, you and this father time bullshit, the only reason I provide you with links to fucking Wikipedia is that you never believe me unless I give you some sort of proof, and I didn’t exactly thing that you would remember what sort of bible reading upbringing I had so I remember this sort of shit, and fuck man IED if you are talking the terrorist bomb thing is an IMPROVISED Explosive Device not fucking Implemented and yes if I could be arsed signing up for a blogger thingy I would put this rant there.

Anyone For Frozen Maggot?

2008-06-19T20:37:00.001-07:00

Rex, Sindel and I have always been avid fisherman....priding ourselves on the fact that since we have known each other, that being the last decade.....we have never caught a single fucking thing.

One day, in a haze of marijuana Rex and I had an epiphany that Maggots would be wonderful bait and that we could cultivate our very own maggot farm. And so it was that we set about the best way that we thought we could ascertain a colony of maggots.

Take one large glass jar, one medium sized porterhouse steak, 3 days of hot sun and a freezer.

Upon leaving the steak in the jar in the sun for three days, we noticed how many flies there were but no maggots. So we capped the jar and threw it in the bin. A day or so later, i took the piss and had a look in the bin just to see if there had been any changes......it was FULL of crawling, filthy little maggots! Eeeew

Realising that we now had enough bait to supply the next 20 of our lame fishing trips I proudly proclaimed to Rex that I would freeze them.

Think of the logistics surrounding this dumb-ass idea.

I lived in a house with a Drag-queen, a crazy ass fat dyke......and a bartender that spent more time cleaning himself than a cat does licking its own ass.

What did I care.......?

I, with the help of rubber gloves...removed the steak from the jar and threw it in the bin, leaving just the maggots. I then took this jar to the freezer and placed it....in full view right next to the Drag-Queens ice cream.

I remember distinctly the blood-curdling scream that erupted from the kitchen one evening as Drag queen opened the freezer and pondered the contents of the jar, opening the jar and realising that it held the sperm of Satan.

Payback for fellating your ass with my airstone you dirty poof.

The Innocent Poisoning Of My Fish

2008-06-19T20:27:00.001-07:00

Before the incident of "The Homo & The Air Stone" I often found myself pondering the best methods to clean my fish tank of unwanted..gunk. As there were so many plants in the tank it was often the case that the build of of gunk would make it near impossible to see anything. To give you some idea of how murky it was......drink a bottle of TurboLax and take a dump in a kiddy pool, it was that bad.

I happen to come across this "Aqua Cleanser" in the local pet store. Basically it was an organic bleach, safe for the fish....so it said ( well in the hands of anyone else but me, yes it was safe)

Eager to see the effects that it would have on my gunk-tank, I hurried home to test it out. Since I am not the kind of person that reads instructions very well, I poured about 50 ml of the stuff into the tank and waited............

About an hour or so later I was amazed at how clean my fish tank was......and equally amazed at how my fish had found a new acquired skill, that of shedding scales and swimming upside down!

Quickly realising that something was amiss, I read the instructions on the back of the bottle

Add 1 drop per 10 litres.

I had a 40 litre tank.....and had put in enough to clean a medium sized swimming pool.

And so it became known that I had bleached my fish.

I suck.

Maximisation Of The Spatial Minimization

2008-06-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

The composition of our testosterone filled contingent has habitually brought forth to my attention my ever patulous need to actuate the use of exceedingly magnitudinous words to describe my thoughts and actions.

One such instance exemplifies my constant ability to expand my vocabulary beyond the meagerness of the human race.

The Maximisation Of The Spatial Minimization

This rather magnitudinous statement was brought out upon a camping expedition to Easts Beach Caravan Park. As it stood, the contingent was under the effects of aqua vitae and moocah....to you common folk...this is alcohol and pot.

I was asked to explain something that is normally left to and intoxicated Father Time...I believe that the question at hand ( please feel free to redress my statement ) was......

Rex "Jimmy, tell us how the universe is so big"
Jimmy "Well, you see...it's all to do with the maximisation of spatial minimization.....prattle, prattle, prattle."
Rex "Jimmy, you are a fried unit"
Jimmy "Moist, broheimus"

As you can more than likely see......I am often full of fecal matter and have no idea what the fuck I am talking about.

NB. Posted at request of Rex.

The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse

2008-06-19T15:20:00.001-07:00

I feel that I have to post this otherwise "Father Time" will forever be hassling me upon my (lack?) of knowledge.

In recent posts I have named myself and my mates....Pestilence, Plague, Hunger and Death.

Since Father Time is the only one between the four of us with a Uni Degree, he persistently makes his knowledge known to all......even if this means that he goes to the fountain of WikiKnowledge for his answers

Thus I am forced to re brand.....

The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Conquest, War, Famine & Death

The Petrol Conspiracy

2008-06-19T03:25:00.000-07:00

I guess by now we are all feeling the effects from the price rises in petrol.

Here is my logic behind the ever increasing price of petrol

Sooner rather than later we, as the human race are going to have to cease the devastation that we are wreaking upon our earth. The politicians cant exactly turn around and ban us from using our vehicles....but over time they can make it impossible for us to run them.

By the time petrol is $20 a litre, we will all be riding bikes or driving electric cars....the transportation infrastructure will change beyond anything we can imagine. Thus eventually, we will stop raping the planet of its natural resources and environmentalism will become the new religion.

Anyway......i've had a couple of scotch's tonight...and could be guilty of the drunken babble

Ass Elf

2008-06-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

A few years back, I met a girl out at the local pub with Plague. She was really cute, and had slipped her number to me, through Plague (Rex) so that her boyfriend wouldn't see.

After a couple of phone calls and about a week later she offered to pick me up from the construction site that I was working on in the city. On the drive home she finally got up the courage to admit to herself why she had driven all the way from the mountains to the city to pick me up, and we went up to the water tower to shag in her BMW

We make out in the front seat for about a minute or two, throw clothes everywhere, and she gets out and pushes me on the bonnet, gives me one more peck on the lips, then goes down on me...skipping past my penis, and totally ignoring the balls...and starts feasting on my butt buffet. Seriously, I don't think a colonic would have cleaned my ass any better than her tongue did. I am not complaining, it felt good.

Of course, all I could think about at the time was how many guys she's done this to before if she's so eager to do it to me, but whatever.

After the deed was done, I jokingly call her "Ass Elf." She doesn't understand why.

Milo "Uhhhhhh...are you the same girl that I just banged in this here BMW?"
Ass Elf "Please die. Of course I am the same girl, DUH!"
Milo "Do you not remember licking my ass like it was a Paddle Pop?"
Ass Elf "OH MY GOD I DID NOT, YOU ASSHOLE.....GO ROT IN HELL!"

Of course you didn't. After all, if you "don't remember" it, than it didn't happen, right?

I ended up staying with this Evil, life sucking creature of Satan for too long.....shame shame shame.

Rex Tries Recreational Drugs - Rage Ensues (Re: Anzac Day @ The Ori)

2008-06-18T22:19:00.001-07:00

Now, for those of you that know Rex...you will be quite aware that he does not engage in chemical substances...even though for the last 5 years I have been trying to get him to take them....to no avail

From offering them to him for free to spiking his drink ( upon which rage, and a punch in the face also ensues) he has avoided taking them.

For some unknown reason I managed, on ANZAC day at the Ori, to get him to indulge in some pills. Now from my vast experience with pills and coke i find that the euphoric feeling delivered is about as far from wanting to commit genocide on a small mountains town as you can possibly get.

Rex turned into a product of Satan.........

Apparently someone tried to head butt him in the car park, (this I did not wintess for if I had....the Prince Of Darkness would have well and truly opened up the gates of hell ) As a result of this I spent the next 5 hours trying to convince him that to commit genocide on the town was not path to enlightenment.

I eagerly await the next time Rex tries drugs......

Note to self: Rex has just told me that he aint doing them for a long time......As we are going to Thailand soon he is afraid that his ensuing rage on drugs may get him knifed by a ladyboy

Vile Creatures Of The Blue Mountains

2008-06-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

Below I have posted a series of photos of the most vile things that I have come across in my time living in the blue mountains.

As you can see they are prime reasons not to live there.

Fat Albert Meets The Potato Cannon

2008-06-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

Rex and I once built this monster of a potato cannon....capable of launching a spud 750-800 metres. Every weekend we were out launching spuds over cliffs, into old houses and on one occasion...straight into the guts of a fatman........well sort of.

Bella once had a party up at his olds place......and me, being the kind of person to not care what parents think...decided that for a little bit of fun I would bring my Spud Cannon with me and let of a 10kg bag of potatoes.

All was going to plan....potatoes were flying, I was the centre of attention...chicks & guys alike were worshipping the ground that I walked on...until.......

Enter Fat Albert...300lbs...pasty white....sitting in a deck chair directly behind the ass of my cannon.

My potato cannon exploded and the back of it shot off at the speed of sound and whacked Fat Albert square in the guts. Bring on the Tsunami of Blubber!

Ive never laughed so hard in my life.....others did not see my humor in his misfortune.

The Homo & The Air Stone

2008-06-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

When I lived at the 'Riff....I once again found myself surrounded by all forms of weird & strange people.

The house that I lived in had the following contingent.
* Adam - Redneck Bartender from Orange that Squirt cheated on me with
* Jade - Butchiest dyke in the western suburbs...had more balls that me.
* Matthew - Scariest Cross Dressing homo that I have ever seen.

So, as you can well imagine there were a lot of things that went on in that house that have left me permanently, emotionally scarred.

This is a story about one of those times.

I was a greatly involved in the care and nurturing of my prized fish tank...of which I had many a variety of fish, guppies and plants. One weekend I went away to a wedding and returned to find my that my fishtank had been tampered with......the plants were all mishmashed around...the rocks in different places and the air dispensing stone had gone from a bright blue...to a muddy brown.

"HOMO!!!, Oi HOMO...WHERE THE FUCK ARE U POOF??" I bellowed at the top of my lungs......

Out came this sad excuse for a human being, draped in pink silk, wearing a pair of silver hot pants normally reserved for britney spears at the MTV Music Awards.

"What darling...what do you want?" the homo asked.

"One, dont call me darling....EVER. Secondly....explain to me why my fishtank has been tampered with and my airstone is brown" I demanded.

Nothing could prepare me for what I heard next.............

"Well, you see I used the air thingy to massage my prostate gland last night.....it was a fantastic sensation"

I died in the ass......

The fucking homo had used my air stone as a sex toy.....what the fuck is wrong with people???

I've never had a fish tank since.

The Bird & The Cash Box

2008-06-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

For some reason I, like any other testosterone filled, virile young man often found enjoyment in blowing shit up.

One time, I shot a bird out of the sky with a slingshot...... Rex was amazed and promptly (or maybe it was me) suggested that we strap a firecracker to the carcass of the bird.....light the fuse then throw it into a lockable cash box....lock it and run.

I've never heard such a big bang.....(well besides a half litre two fruits tin in the fire)..The cashbox flew about 20 feet into the air, and came back down with vaporised bird bits coating the inside.

Gross.......

UPDATE: Phone call to Rex....he reminds me that I also got very bent that night and strapped a cracker to a fish.....blew it up and then he spent the next ten minutes searching for it with me......he then got bored and went to play xbox. Appareantly I came barreling back into the shoebox apartment about an hour late proudly waving around what was left of it....that being the nose and eyes.

Even more gross.......

Dont do drugs kids.

Super Karting

2008-06-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

A few years back, on one of my many trips to the 'Farm' down south.....My cousins proudly showed me the most evil billy cart that I have ever seen......As I was never allowed to ride their motorbikes I made every effort to use this Kart as much as possible.

Now to give you an idea of what 'Satans Transport' looked like.........

The rear wheels were from a motorbike with motorbike forks attaching them to the main body.....which was all made from steel. The only thing that concerned me was that the front wheels were from a stroller......and about as big as a CD.

YOU GET THE IDEA....

After getting thoroughly fed up with dragging this 50-odd kilo billy cart to the tops of various hills around the place I suggested to Ballbag that we tie the Kart to the back of the motorbike and he can drag me behind him. Seemed like a good idea at the time....right?

The attachment was that of hay bale twine........quite strong...when its in once piece...but if you have 5 or 6 lengths of it tied together....well its like a bungee cord made of tooth floss.

Ballbag proceeded to drag me down the dirt road at about 90km/h.......billy kart sliding all over the shop....rocks hitting me in the face etc etc. All was well....until.....

Ballbag dragged me over a cattle stop at about 60km/h.....which would have been fine except the pram wheels, being as wide as a CD....slipped right into the gaps of the cattle stop. And thus it was that the Kart went from 60 to 0 in about .5second and I went flying....somewhat gracefully..past my cousin on the bike and landed in the gravel about 25 mts from where the kart was.

I have sinced stopped going to the Farm as it...like smoking, can be damaging to your health

Rex & Milo Learn To Share

2008-06-18T19:36:00.001-07:00

I used to shag this product of Penrith......lets call her "Evil Skank"

God knows what was wrong with me at the time......her father was a member of the Rebel's...and her mother was an ex-heroin addict. How do I get myself involved with this kind of scum I will never know.

One particular night down at the Daily Planet.....I found the need to relieve myself. I had been in the bathroom less than 2 minutes when E.S. came in yelling and screaming something about me taking a female into the toilets with me to engage in some debaucherous behavior. I politely told ES that I wanted nothing more to do with a crazy bitch like her and suggested that she go and play in the traffic.

Note To Self: Just on the phone to Broheimus Rex who has sparked my memories.....I, according to Rex....was a cunt to her...smoked all her weed, made her spend all her Dole Dollarz on my wardrobe.....and refused to give her oral sex as her she had a smelly smoo. But of course was more than happy to lay a 5 roper on her face.

She used her evil ways to lure Brother Rex, my best mate to give her a place to stay for the night...as I had caused her to be kicked out of home......and when he was at his most vulnerable and inebriated to the point of no return decided that she would rape him.

I have never forgiven her for raping my mate......but feel somewhat, in a strange and twisted way closer to Brother Rex.

Share and Share alike eh?

Sindel Indulges In Milo Luck

2008-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

Sindel once owned this '79 model BMW. It was the scariest bucket 'o' bolts that I have ever ridden in....and I have been in some real shit heaps.

Someone obviously had some issues with Sindel and decided to loosen the wheel nuts on his car......On his way home his wheel fell off and to his credit he managed to hold onto the bastard of a car and drive it right to his front door.

You Rock Sindel

Pestilence, Plague, Hunger, and Death.

2008-06-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

These are the names that the 'Brotherhood' go by.

In order ...Pestilence, Hunger, Plague....and of course Death

NYE 2000

Way back in the day...I met my best mates through my girlfriend at the time. Lets say her name is 'Squirt'.

As I was quite the 'attempt-to-be-alpha-male' person in those days....I was always looking to upstage the competition and generally get as much attention as possible. This usually meant making a complete dick of myself.

This one particular time, Squirt wanted to have a NYE party at her parents house and asked me if I could organise invitations.

Im not the most fastidious person when it comes to those kinds of things.....so as far as I was concerned, hanging out the passenger window of my mates car while he drove down the main street of town shouting "Party at Semana Place for NYE....Bring ya grog....free food....free strippers" constitutes as an invitation....to the entire town

The next day (NYE) Rex and I decided that we should organise some receptacles for rubbish, used condoms...beer cans and other standard forms of NYE rubbish. As none of the bins that we had around the house would hold anything more than a 6 pack and an empty ice bag....we decided that the best course of action would be to go down to the local SupaPlex at Penrith and steal a few of those big shiny bins that you see all through those places.

After I snatch-n-grab effort we arrived back at Squirt's house with a car full of bins. Stupidly I didnt think to wash them out before I loaded them into the back seat of Rex's car. This meant that when we pulled them out....there was a strange...sploodge like fluid all over the velour back seat of the car.....and it stank so bad, like a rubbish dump on steroids.

My immiediate fix for this was to pour vinegar and bi-carb soda all over the back seat. Im sure everyone knows the reaction when these two are mixed and as a result, we had a sploodge volcano in the back of the bluebird. Rex was not pleased.

At about 6pm, people started to arrive. By 9pm there were about 200 people strewn from the backyard, inside the house...and up the street. Since I had consumed about a litre of Vodka....I didnt really care who turned up.

Somewhere between jumping a fence and passing out before I landed on the ground on the other side and coercing some fool into giving me the keys to his V8 Commodore to do a burn out another 300 odd people turned up.

Infamous Burn Out

Aerial View of Burnout

Squirts Dad ( may he rest in peace) was not entirely happy with the turn of events that night. Whether it was Bella (Pestilence) projectile vomiting onto his fridge and walls.....or the fact that his entire house and backyard looked like the local rubbish dump....either way, Mr Groarke banned me from ever organising another 'function' at his residence.

Some of the happenings of that night
* Warrick was caught fucking Jess Stewart (Face...Fire....put out with a rake....) in my bed.....(years later i shot him in the stomach with a 2 inch sewing needle attached to a kebab stick as penance).
* I hit Rex (Plague) in the eye with a hot sausage roll.
* Pestilences bonk buddy go the shits and wanted him to drive her back to Newcastle.....pissed. I once referred to this girl as "The most evil demon-slut in the long history of female chicanery and deception." I hated the bitch.
* Some random waste of sperm followed through on a heinous fart and was promptly ejected onto the street.....scum...pure scum.

Best party I've ever hosted.

Milo Runs Late For Movie - Almost Dies

2008-06-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me now...will know that I am deeply and madly in love with quite possibly the most amazing, caring, sexy, sassy and sweet individual that God has ever put breath into. Lets call her Melons.....and yes...she has amazing melons.

As I always try to please my better half(BH).....I specifically make a point of NEVER being late for any date, engagement or party with her and if I ever am late...I have a fucking good reason for it.

Kids, the following is a classic example of what happens when you try to squeeze in too much.

It was a typical Friday afternoon. I had been at the local bar around the corner from work and was only staying for an hour as I had a movie and dinner planned with my BH.

Now I love my scotch.......(thankyou Marty)...and people who know me know that 60 minutes is enough time for me to drink about a dozen scotch and drys.....because I was going for dinner...i only had half a dozen.

Seeing what time it was, I pardoned myself from the group and ran to the closest bus stop. After a 40minute bus ride ( its only 10km) and numerous phone calls from BH I arrived at Norton Street. This is where it gets funny.

I jumped off the bus, a little pissed....ran in front of the bus, straight out onto the main drag....and straight into the path of an oncoming taxi doing about 60km/h.

I remember looking at this taxi drivers face as he hit me, the poor bastard went white......pretty hard to do when your arabic.

The force of the impact sent me about 30 mts down the road......and my left shoe a further 15 or so.....and because I was a little pissed.....I reckon I got away a lot better than I could have

I dont think that its common practise for people to get hit by cars in Leichhardt so as you can imagine there were people buzzing around me asking me if I was ok, etc etc. Some kind lady gave me my shoe.....another bloke handed my laptop bag to me .....and the taxi driver ( who had stopped, bless him) asked me if I was ok.

I jumped up.....not wanting to look like a pussy and said with a smug look on my face 'I'm fine.....hows your car?"

Someone said "Dude, you flew like 30mts through the air...you need an ambulance dude...."

I rebutted this comment with "You think I am going to pay $450 for an ambulance to drive me to RPA when I could get my BH to take me....(I thought that I would soon end up there at the hands of BH anyway).......?"

Anyways, I walked off. Realising that I was now about 25 mins late for the movie.....I ran accross the road ( didnt look AGAIN) and straight into the cinemas where I was met with my BH.......emitting steam from her ears and with more veins on her forehead than Arnies Biceps.

By this stage the shock of what had just happened started to set in. I broke out in a fierce sweat and politely asked BH if I could take two minutes to sit down as my leg was hurting....BH said "Why???? THE MOVIE HAS STARTED AND YOU ARE LATE!!!"

My answer...."Babe, I was just hit by a Taxi"

She didnt believe me.....so I limped to the cinema.... sat in the movie...with a ferociously sore leg.....then walked to dinner......where my leg was excruciatingly sore. Then went home. All the while BH told me to stop whining and be a man. Grrr

Two days later I decided that the pain was getting a little bit beyond heinously unbearable. I decided that Xrays and Codeine Forte were needed.

Damn straight they were needed. I'd been walking around for three days with a broken leg.

BH only believed me coz I had proof.

(I regularly hide in our apartment and scare the shit out of her as payback)

Anzac Day @ The Ori

2008-06-18T03:22:00.001-07:00

One thing that you learn after living in Linden....or most of the mountains for that matter is that the public transport system is very similar to that of Delhi. Getting a train to run on time...or even stop at Linden is about as remote as Kosovo refugee getting a pizza with the lot.....safe to say that it ain't gonna happen.

As the closest drinking establishment was 10 km down the highway and the last trains stopped running at roughly midnight we ( well actually I) was often left to walk the 10km back up the mountain to get home, this became quite regular in my youth.

AS YOU CAN SEE ITS A LONG WAY

So, after leaving the mountains and living in the city for a number of years Rex and I decided that we would re-live some memories and head off to drink at the Ori on Anzac day. For those of you that haven't been to the Ori on Anzac day or Xmas Eve its well worth a visit...just once though as you will find there are many a variety of Mud Sharks there.

As it had been 5 or so years since we had lived in the mountains the issue of public transport had slipped our minds and before we knew it we found ourselves very drunk.......and no way to get home.

I proudly proclaimed to Rex that we should make our way to my parents house in Linden and spend the night there as they were on yet another holiday. I couldn't think of anything better than raiding the cupboards and sleeping in a nice warm bed. The odds of that happening were about as good as scratching the red dot of the forehead of Hindu and winning a Ford Falcon.

Upon arriving at my parents place (at about 2am) I found that not only was the spare key not in its usual hiding place.....but the buggers had changed the locks....and put extra locks on the windows, no chance of a B&E....... Fuck......

The temperature dropped to about 5 or 6 degrees and we slept....on the timber boards of the balcony.

Un-FkNgCOMFORTABLE!!!

I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Cold, hungover and with quite possibly the worst headache anyone could have ever had.

NB The Time On The Clock

ABOUT TO CATCH THE TRAIN HOME

I refuse to drink anywhere west of Five Dock now.

Milo & Rex Hit The Town

2008-06-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

One weekend recently Rex graced me with his presence and we decided to get amongst it at the local pubs around Leichhardt.

KRAMER!!!!

We got very drunk......then decided to go and smoke some doobies.....which was fine until Rex had a bong.

Ive never seen the poor soul so fucked up. He is going to hate me forever for these photos.

The Night We Almost Died

2008-06-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have two best friends.........Whom I would trust with my life. They are:

David "Rex" Mitchell
Mark "Father Time" Sindel
(i'm the bald one)

As I, being the Tempter of Fate........decided that Rex and I should take his '83 model Nissan Bluebird and drive it down lapstone hill flat out.
Now Rex has similar aspects in nature to your mother...or your grandmother for that fact. Always thinking about the 'what-ifs'...which is what makes us such a great team....I see whats right in front of me and he sees the future...so to speak.

Now, we took this bucket of bolts bluebird down lapstone hill at over 200km/h.....not once, or twice....but three times. On the last run down there......( which mind you was in the pouring rain) I lost control and began to slide sideways down this hill...heading squarely for the sandstone retaining wall. Not good.

As I was more or less steering the car looking out of the rear passenger window I managed to get a good look at Rex....who had his feet on the dashboard.....both hands firmly grasping the "Jesus Christ Bar" and his head buried between his legs. I vaguely remember hearing between the screeching of the tires a shaky voice asking for forgiveness....and for his mother.

I eventually regained control with the help of a higher being and managed to get away unscathed.

The irony of this story is that Rex wrote of his car the next day driving at 4okmh in a residential zone.

Rexomlus Broheimus, you are trooper and forever worshipped.

NOTE TO SELF: 18th June @ 3:50pm - Rex Calls to tell me has now has chest hair......at the age of 25.

Waterbombs Can Be Deadly

2008-06-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Year is 1998

Back in the day, I used to be friends with another product of Satan who went by the name of Tony Brown Jnr.

Tony was...like any other Lindenite...constantly up to his neck in shit. Thus we got along great.

I remember it being one very hot summers day, Tony and I decided to fill the pool with as many waterbombs as we could....the number was in the hundreds.

After throwing the waterbombs at his mum, and dad...the horse and anyone who walked past the house....we thought that we would lob them over the fence and try to hit the buses going down the highway...stupid, stupid thing to do.

It wasnt long before Tony threw a waterbomb and hit a car.......I never thought that a water bomb would have enough force to smash the passenger window of a car, obviously they do.

I took of like the Devil himself was after me and hid, with Tony under a bulldozer. It wasn't long before the owner of the vehicle came up to the house...we know this because all we could hear was a giant screaming match between Tony Snr and the driver of the car.

After what seemed an eternity.....Tony Snr began bellowing out our names.....we emerged from the bulldozer, completely petrified and sure that death was near.

As it turned out, Tony Snr paid Mr Car Driver the sum of $1000 to keep quiet about the incident. Tony Snr ordered me to go home....before he tells my father, ore belts me (which he never did either....thank fuck)

Poor old Tony Jnr was belted I reckon for about a month......he had a new bruise every time that I saw him.

Milo Rolls His First Car

2008-06-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Year is 1998

My very first car was an 1987 Nissan Pulsar......1.5l all of about 40KW and a top speed going down a 45 degree decline of about 90km/hAs my father had been a Highway Patrol Cop and taught me how to drive I naturally presumed, as all kids who are fresh on their license...that they are the next Schumacher's.

As I was working part time and had very little coin...I often found myself filling up at the petrol station....and forgetting to pay for the fuel...I have a terrible short-term memory.

One particular time I had filled up my car at the local petrol station and proceeded to drive off when as Milo luck would have it I had taken off in front of an undercover cop. Oh Fuck.......

Somehow I managed to elude Cnstble Mud Shark and made my way out 20 odd kms on a dirt road to let my heart rate settle.......

Having never felt a rush of adrenalin like this I decided that I was going to pull the handbrake at about 70km/h and slide my car sideways down the dirt road. Front wheel drive cars do not like this.

I fishtailed along the road.....slid into the embankment and flipped my car all of about 3 times...coming to rest on a pine tree.

Now, I was stuck out in the middle of the bush...on a fire trail that is never used, with a car on its roof and only enough credit on my phone to send ONE txt msg.

Still having my wits about me I messaged and acquaintance with a rather large 4WD, who promptly came with tow chains and dragged my car off the tree and back onto its wheels. And just to be extra nice he towed my bent car back to his house....at the start of the dirt road.

Thus I avoided a neg driving charge....unfortunately that undercover cop knew my father.....I couldn't avoid the old mans wrath.

Oh, one thing that I forgot to mention....when I was eluding Cnstble Mud Shark there was a song that I was listening to from ICE CUBE....it was called "Roll All Day" and the lyrics go like this

I got a full tank of unleaded {repeat x4}

Now we could roll all day, if I could ride all night
---i got a full tank of unleaded--- {repeat}

Kinda funny eh...lol

Milo Does Evil Knievil

2008-06-17T20:58:00.001-07:00

The Year is 1997

My cousins own this farm in the Southern Highlands. A place that I mispent much of my youth. As my parents would often travel around the countryside it became common practice to offload me to the farm and leave me in the very capable hands of my Aunt & Uncle.

My Cousins Chris, Tim and Lisa were always fanging around on their motorbikes as farm kids do.....but the bastards would never let me ride them. So I was either watching them, or riding on the back of the bike.

One year I decided to take my brand new mountain bike to the farm to show it off. Immediately my cousin Chris challenged me to a race from the top of the hill paddock to the homestead.....me on my 21 speed and him on his KTM 250. Not exactly the fairest of ideas...but me not being the person to turn down a challenge, promptly accepted.

Chris "Unit" Howell

As my cousin was unfairly advantaged, he agreed not to leave first gear........So off to the top of the hill we rode....and prepared for the worst downhill race imaginable.

I was given a 20 odd metre head start and proceeded to go.....like a bat out of hell straight toward the house.....Now in the middle of the paddock was a dam....a rather large dam that my cousin decided to go to the left of...and I...seeing that the straighter option was to go to the right...veered in that direction.

I didnt see the 200 mtr long irrigation pipe coming out to the right of the dam until i was basically on top of it.

As a consequence I tried to execute a Crusty Demon maneuver and jump the pipe....which mind you had 2ft of dirt on top of it...which my uncle had obviously done to camouflage it from me. I hit the mound at about 70km/h and went flying off my bike....through the air for about 40 mts and landed squarely in a thistle patch, completely obliterating myself.

As I was not wearing a helmet.....i think that I knocked myself out for a few seconds. Upon coming to I came to the realisation that I could not breath...at all. As i hit the mound...the handlebars of the bike hit my right in the stomach, which effectively somersaulted me into the thistles...where I landed head first.

My cousin Tim (forever known as BallBag) thought this would be an opportune moment to hand me a warhead ( a warhead is a lolly that is coated in cayenne pepper.....one of the most vicious things I have ever put in my mouth) allaying my fears by telling me that this would make me feel better......you are a cunt Tim.....are real cunt.

Tim "BallBag" Howell

Not only did I have the wind knocked out of me via my asshole...I also had a head full of thistles and a candy that was burning the tastebuds of my tongue. My cousins thought this was highly amusing. Mud Sharks........all Mud Sharks.

I spent the next three days bent over double...... with my Mud Shark Cousins laughing at every chance they got.

Oh well...I would have done the same......no, probably worse.

Milo Loses Virginity.........Pain Ensues

2008-06-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

The Year is 1995

Why is it that losing your virginity....is such a traumatic experience??

Basically, I got stoned before I got lost my virginity, which...in the blue mountains is not such an uncommon thing to do...I met this girl at a mates house.

Lets call her "Naomi"...(read her name backwards)....at the time she was quite attractive and had curves in all the right places.....as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a sucker for curves.

Although we were only in year 8 she wanted to do the horizontal tango worse than a disco dolly on a pound of pills.

As there was no where that was feasible for us to do it I decided to take her to this abandoned house and do the deed there. Mind you...it meant crossing the railway lines, stoned......walking through the bush....in the dark...stoned...and then trying to bar up......stoned. Not a good combination for your first time.

Eventually we found ourselves in this dark room, half naked...fumbling around and at least trying to look as if we knew what we were doing. decided that she would just jump aboard the tower of power and ride away.

Unfortunately for me.....she was as dry as an arabs sandle and this lack of moistness caused her to rip the side of my appendage. I screamed, threw her off, grabbed my clothes and ran off in a state of shock...still thinking that I had left half of my willie somewhere back there.

I still have the scar to remind me of how traumatic losing my virginity was.

I ran into her about 5 years ago...she is now engaged and has a kid.........

WTF WAS I THINKING????

The moral of this story kids.......DONT DO DRUGS

Kid Rides Milk Truck, Falls Off - Milo is at Fault?????

2008-06-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Year is 1992

Well, this little number involves a member of that bottom feeding family that I used to hang with in my early days up the street from my parents.

One of these Mud Sharks in particular was always rogue shit stirrer and found great delight in doing anything that would get him neck deep fecal matter.

Now, I am not in any way saying that I was an angel.....anyone who knows me, especially in my younger years will know that I was Linden's Self Appointed Prince of Darkness. As linden is the ass end of the mountains I was often left to my own devices to amuse myself...often at the misfortune and expense of others in the town.

One of my past times was to wait for the Milk Truck to do its rounds.....I would hide in the bushes near my house and when the milk truck slowed down enough I would run up and jump on the back and ride it around my street, which was one big loop....so when it would get toward the last stop, i would jump off and....quite chuffed...walk off feeling like the biggest rebel around (mind you, i was only 11)
Mud Shark had obviously seen me hanging of the back of the truck like Eddie Murphy in Beverly hills cop....and thought that he would give it a go.

(Since Mud Sharks are normally shoe ins for Darwin awards, you can probably imagine what happened next.)

Sometime in the next few weeks I walked out the front of my house, looked up the street and saw a limp, somewhat bloodied and bruised Mud Shark laying in the middle of the road. After alerting the entire street with my ranting and raving as to what I had found....Mud Shark was carted of to hospital in the back of an ambo....and I was praised for having found him so soon and probably saving his life......Right on! Right on!

A day or so later the police arrived on my doorstep and began to question me as to my knowledge of the accident. My father being a high ranking police officer began to prattle on about how his son had discovered Mud Shark on the road and most probably saved his life.

THIS IS THE MOMENT THAT MUD SHARK BECAME MY MOST HATED ENEMY

The (very junior) coppas politely interrupted my father and began to tell both of us that Mud Shark had told them that I, Prince of Darkness had infact told him to get on the back of the milk truck and ride it around the street, (when the milk truck made haste for the highway Mud Shark decided to dismount the back of the truck at about 40km/h, which in turn made him exact a rather graceful face plant onto the tarmac).

Obviously Mud Shark had realised that he was now in fact above the eye line in fecal matter and thought that it would be best to shovel some of that shit my way. Of course now me, being scared shitless stupidly admitted to telling the cop that I told him to ride the truck, when I really hadn't but as my father was telling me "You did tell him to do it didn't you" over and over again, I felt that to shut him up it was best to admit it.

It was only years later that the truth emerged from Mud Sharks mouth.......much to late for my bruised 'at the use of a leather belt' ass

I still have a deep seeded hatred for Mud Shark......and the rest of his bottom feeding family.

Mud Shark As he looks today.......Perhaps these two were separated at birth?

Milo Climbs Tree - Brain Damage Ensues

2008-06-17T18:58:00.001-07:00

Hmmm....the year is 1988.....Australia celebrates its 100 years as a nation......I am in first grade....George H.(H for Hated) Bush is elected as president...blah blah blah.

I used to hang with these kids up the street.....come to think of it they were the only kids in the street. I guess thats what happens when you live in one of the most socially inept suburbs of the Blue Mountains.

One fine day we decided to climb the tree in the front yard. Basically.....i stepped on dead branch, flipped out of the tree, fell 9 metres and landed with my head firmly between two pointed rocks. Feeling a little obliterated by my graceful plummet to planet earth, the person responsible for my well being..namely kids grandma (who was well passed her use by date and should have been placed in home sometime in the 18th Century) decided that although I had a small planet growing of the side of my head at an alarming rate...that it would be best for me to lay on the couch.....claiming that I would come good in an hour or so.

After and hour I started to turn the varying colours of Josephs Technicolor Dreamcoat. At this time the old bag decided to call my father....(who was only 150metres down the road and had been there ALL DAY).

Dad comes up, picks me up and takes me to Hospital. In the 10 minute journey I managed to disgorge myself and repaint the entire interior of the Renaut 16 in various shade of vomit.

Upon arriving at the hospital...Xrays were taken and it was found that I had cracked my head from front to back and as a consequence my brain had decided to BLEED. As the old bag had done nothing about it I was well on my way to Coma City.

I dont remember much else other than the Doctors shining a torch in my eye like I was a prisoner in Abu Ghraib.

8 weeks of school and a mammoth headache that lasted for a month later....I was back to my usual self. It wasnt till I was 14 that I found that due to the massive trauma my grey matter had sustained I was now the proud owner of Epilepsy.......

My parents still have beef with that family, not surprised in the least.

Milo spears gooch - Hilarity ensues

2008-06-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

Let me see here. Yes, thats right....I AM the most accident prone person on earth.

I'll start way back in 1987......the year the Simpsons first came out...also the year prozac made its debut in the US........and also the year of immense pain for me. Let me paint the scene(s) for you.

My parents live in the mid-mountains....a nice quiet area where nothing happens.....there are no shops, a pay phone that rarely works and a train station. Down in the backyard my folks grew some fruit trees, the only way to get to the fruit was to walk down a flight of wooden stairs constructed some time in the years before the birth of Christ.

I decided one foggy, moist morning to go down and grab some fruit......dad also decided to stack all of his steel fencing posts next to those stairs....and as the fate of Milo would have it, I slipped off those stairs and impaled my perineum on one of these rusty 'weapon of war' fence posts. For those of you that are not aware of what the perineum is, I will explain briefly. It sometimes goes by the name of gooch, grundle or bifkin but basically its the bit of skin between ur asshole and your balls.

So, there I find myself stuck on a fence post doing a rendition of a human tripod. I promptly removed myself from the precarious position and proceeded to walk toward my father who by this stage had high jumped the balcony fence and turned a pasty white at the sight of my brand new, reconditioned second asshole.

Knowing that I had done a good job on it, but not wanting to go to the doctors I proceeded to tell my father that it would be alright and a band aid would fix it. Well, I couldn't exactly see that I had gained my very own personal black hole. lol

Off to the doctors.........

The Doctor ( Dr. Fogarty ) decided that the best course of action was to stitch me up himself.....Nothing I've ever experienced prepared me for this pain, I have cracked my head, had bleeding on the brain, been hit by two cars, smashing my teeth, etc etc... I thought I had experienced a wide and representative spectrum of pain. I was wrong.

Dr. Fogarty proceeded to stick a needle that looked like the probe that Keanu Reeves gets in the back of his head in the Matrix into my right testicle. Guys, (specifically Rex ) i am sure that you know what it feels like to have something hit your testicle....like a remote or a muesli bar.....a needle to the nether regions however represents the pinnacle of testicular abuse.

I screamed so loud that when I emerged from the Drs. Surgery, with 5 stitches and a punctured nut....the entire waiting room looked at me like I had just been sodomized by an elephant.....(presumably because I was walking like I had been.)

I never forgave Dr.Fogarty for that.......may he rest in peace.