His name is Trent....and he is from Punchbowl.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Trent From Punchy
You know...over the years of my misspent youth I have frequently come across some of the most vile....scum-ridden excuses for human beings. This is a video of one of those times.
His name is Trent....and he is from Punchbowl.
His name is Trent....and he is from Punchbowl.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Ciabatta or Whatever
Rex, a 5 Star Chef.....all ass and no class.
We went to a cafe for breakfast this morning. After complaining about the meagre offerings on the menu, Rex stated to the waitress.....
"Yeah, ill have the Ciabatta or whatever with jam........"
Rex, words cannot explain.........
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Brotherhood Bares All On Australia Day
A few years back on Australia Day, 3/4's of the Brotherhood decided that the festivities provided at the local pub were substandard and thus, decided that they would create their own fun at Linden.
Upon arriving at Linden, we gathered up supplies...that being alcohol, chairs and fire lamps and made our way to the top of the street to sit, drink and be merry. Now, as you are probably aware...linden is a hole......a cesspit of despair and angst...and has nothing to offer. So 3 goons sitting on the side of the highway, drinking and generally acting like tools would have been a sight to see for cars driving past.
Upon arriving at Linden, we gathered up supplies...that being alcohol, chairs and fire lamps and made our way to the top of the street to sit, drink and be merry. Now, as you are probably aware...linden is a hole......a cesspit of despair and angst...and has nothing to offer. So 3 goons sitting on the side of the highway, drinking and generally acting like tools would have been a sight to see for cars driving past.
Here is where we sat
So after about 4 hours of solid drinking, and many attempts to get cars to toot their horns at us, we noticed a cop car driving down the highway on the other side of the road. As there were 3 of us sitting in deck chairs on the side of the road, very pissed and with fire lamps illuminating us the police obviously saw us as prime candidates for drunk & disorderly or something of the like.
I saw the cop look at us as he drove past and I counted all of about 15 seconds before the came flying back up the highway, like a bat out of hell, lights flashing etc etc. Mr Coppa and his lowly Prob. Const got out of the car and proceeded to chastise us for drinking on the highway and that we were probably upsetting the local residents etc etc.
I immiediatly rebutted his statement with...
"I live here, and believe me....there are no neighbours within shouting distance that could even hear us......and besides....when was the last time you partied in Linden....didnt you know...its the place to be."
Mr Coppa Jnr did not share my enthusiasm..
"I still dont think that you should be drinking here lads..."
" But Sir, we are not affecting anyone....we are merely sitting on the side of the road, enjoying a beverage on Australia Day....and FYI there are no 'Alcohol Free Zone' signs anywhere here."
So....after much debate and coercing we managed to convince the cops to let us stay and drink, which they obliged to as long as we cleaned up after ourselves...of course they had to turn their sirens and lights on as they left...dick heads.
We decided that we would do the Can-Can on the highway to see how much attention we could draw.....yes....four guys doin the Can-Can on a four lane highway. Did I mention that we were doing it in our boxer shorts?
Of course you could imagine that people in the mountains having not seen such outlandish behavior before were tooting their horns and yelling all sorts of foul obscenities out of the windows.
Of course I, Prince of Darkness.....not wanting to be outdone decided that I would streak...from the bottom of the hill near a truck parking bay to the top of the hill....about 8-9 hundred metres or so away from where we were......and so it was that I ran.....balls out up the highway streaking for the truckers....rednecks and maybe the odd hot mountain goat back to where the brotherhood were standing......with shaking heads and jaws agape.
N.B When the cops had left with their sirens blaring...my father ( being a retired cop) decided that he would investigate as to why there was such a commotion at the end of the street......upon walking to the top of the road...he saw the brotherhood doing the Can-Can in their boxers. Poor bastard
So after about 4 hours of solid drinking, and many attempts to get cars to toot their horns at us, we noticed a cop car driving down the highway on the other side of the road. As there were 3 of us sitting in deck chairs on the side of the road, very pissed and with fire lamps illuminating us the police obviously saw us as prime candidates for drunk & disorderly or something of the like.
I saw the cop look at us as he drove past and I counted all of about 15 seconds before the came flying back up the highway, like a bat out of hell, lights flashing etc etc. Mr Coppa and his lowly Prob. Const got out of the car and proceeded to chastise us for drinking on the highway and that we were probably upsetting the local residents etc etc.
I immiediatly rebutted his statement with...
"I live here, and believe me....there are no neighbours within shouting distance that could even hear us......and besides....when was the last time you partied in Linden....didnt you know...its the place to be."
Mr Coppa Jnr did not share my enthusiasm..
"I still dont think that you should be drinking here lads..."
" But Sir, we are not affecting anyone....we are merely sitting on the side of the road, enjoying a beverage on Australia Day....and FYI there are no 'Alcohol Free Zone' signs anywhere here."
So....after much debate and coercing we managed to convince the cops to let us stay and drink, which they obliged to as long as we cleaned up after ourselves...of course they had to turn their sirens and lights on as they left...dick heads.
We decided that we would do the Can-Can on the highway to see how much attention we could draw.....yes....four guys doin the Can-Can on a four lane highway. Did I mention that we were doing it in our boxer shorts?
Of course you could imagine that people in the mountains having not seen such outlandish behavior before were tooting their horns and yelling all sorts of foul obscenities out of the windows.
Of course I, Prince of Darkness.....not wanting to be outdone decided that I would streak...from the bottom of the hill near a truck parking bay to the top of the hill....about 8-9 hundred metres or so away from where we were......and so it was that I ran.....balls out up the highway streaking for the truckers....rednecks and maybe the odd hot mountain goat back to where the brotherhood were standing......with shaking heads and jaws agape.
N.B When the cops had left with their sirens blaring...my father ( being a retired cop) decided that he would investigate as to why there was such a commotion at the end of the street......upon walking to the top of the road...he saw the brotherhood doing the Can-Can in their boxers. Poor bastard
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The Initiation of Kane
To start this story, I must describe to you....in great detail the person known as Kane.
Kane was a deprived child, one of a twin....Kane often found himself the brunt of our chastising and general shit shovelling. His brother Luke managed to avoid this constant barrage of heckling as he really never hung around us. Kane on the other hand stuck to the brotherhood like shit to a blanket. We often called Kane "The Placenta" as he looked like his brother, only shorter....skinner and with a look that clearly said "I was touched as a child"
Kane's mum was an ex-hooker turned alcoholic (who once tried to shag Sindel) and his dad was a convicted criminal who, if memory serves me correctly had the entire SWAT team surround his house because he had taken his family hostage......with a BB gun.
Anyway, as I was saying....Kane regularly became the shit and we, the blanket. I took pity upon Kane and decided that the best way to denude him of his social ineptness and give him some form of moral fibre was to have him hang with I, The Prince of Darkness.
And so it was, Kane Butress....became.....well my butler so to speak. Some examples of my exploitation of Kane's welfare were:
* Make him vacuum my apartment.
* To make coffee for me.
* To score my weed for me.
* To, on occasion.....when I had no cash....steal my food for me from the supermarket.
Yes, I am going to hell.
One particular evening, whilst out at Squirts parents house, Rex and I were drinking supreme amounts of Vodka......Kane called and asked us if he could come over to which I replied sure.....but u have to make your own way here...I am drunk. He said that he would walk.
I looked at Rex, and said.....in a deviant voice "Initiation?"
Upon Kanes arrival at Squirts house, I politely asked him if he would like to be a formal member of the brotherhood ( of course nothing he could have done would have given him membership.....nothing at all. As members go.....we're at capacity"). Kane eagerly replied and asked what he had to do.
I poured him a schooner glass of warm vodka and said, drink ALL of this in under 10 seconds.
Not so bad I hear you say!
Logistically Kane is about as big as your standard midget, also very very skinny. Similar in proportions to that of your standard 4 year old Ethiopian.
To his credit he drank the whole thing. I was fucking amazed.
A few minutes later, Rex and I decided to go inside and watch the rest of a movie and asked Kane to come in too. He said that he did not feel so well and would just chill outside for the moment.
After being inside for about the time it takes to eat a McChicken.....we hear a massive crash outside, we run out to find Kane has fallen off his chair....hit his head on the table and passed out on the concrete.
We pondered this situation for a moment, not sure of what to do with him...not wanting to bring him inside. Then it hit me.
I picked him up by the back of his shirt and his belt and carried him, inside to the spare bedroom. Asking Rex along the way to open the sleeping bag up and lay it out like a doona on the bed. I then threw Kane on top of it and proceeded to wrap him, like a big fat joint in the doona.
Once he was firmly wrapped, I then went to the bathroom and got a razor, shaving cream and libra fleur pad.
Rex looked at me like I was some sort of Sadistic fucker....which.....I guess I was.
I shaved off his eyebrow, stuck that libra fluer pad on his face then proceeded to slap his face till he woke up.
The following is an excerpt of the events.
Jimmy "Slap Slap Slap...."WAKE UP C#$T...slap slap slap"
Kane "What, what....where am I?"
Jimmy " What can you see Kane?"
Kane "You bro....I can see you"
Jimmy "Don't lie bitch, you have a pad on your face"
Rex and I then grabbed the end of the sleeping bag and in one flicking motion, ejected Kane from the sleeping bag. As soon as he hit the floor he began to heave and wretch.....not wanting him to vomit on Squirts floor I grabbed him by the back of his neck, stuck my hand over his mouth and dragged him to the bathroom....vomit leaking out between my fingers.
He threw up a whole steak in the sink, witnessing his heinous actions......I picked up the steak and shoved it back in his mouth and ripped that Libra Fleur pad off his face.
I am surely going to burn in hell for this.
He looked in the mirror.......
Kane "Shit bro, where's my eyebrow, who stole my eybrow........?"
Jimmy "Rex stole it.....go get it back"
Kane "Nah man, not my eyebrow....I need that back, REX!!!! Gimme back my eyebrow"
Poor Kane....he never did get his eyebrow back. And as luck would have it, it grew back so fierce that his alcoholic mum took pity on him and shaved off the other one to even it up.
Kane was a deprived child, one of a twin....Kane often found himself the brunt of our chastising and general shit shovelling. His brother Luke managed to avoid this constant barrage of heckling as he really never hung around us. Kane on the other hand stuck to the brotherhood like shit to a blanket. We often called Kane "The Placenta" as he looked like his brother, only shorter....skinner and with a look that clearly said "I was touched as a child"
Kane's mum was an ex-hooker turned alcoholic (who once tried to shag Sindel) and his dad was a convicted criminal who, if memory serves me correctly had the entire SWAT team surround his house because he had taken his family hostage......with a BB gun.
Anyway, as I was saying....Kane regularly became the shit and we, the blanket. I took pity upon Kane and decided that the best way to denude him of his social ineptness and give him some form of moral fibre was to have him hang with I, The Prince of Darkness.
And so it was, Kane Butress....became.....well my butler so to speak. Some examples of my exploitation of Kane's welfare were:
* Make him vacuum my apartment.
* To make coffee for me.
* To score my weed for me.
* To, on occasion.....when I had no cash....steal my food for me from the supermarket.
Yes, I am going to hell.
One particular evening, whilst out at Squirts parents house, Rex and I were drinking supreme amounts of Vodka......Kane called and asked us if he could come over to which I replied sure.....but u have to make your own way here...I am drunk. He said that he would walk.
THIS IS HOW FAR HE WALKED....IDIOT!
I looked at Rex, and said.....in a deviant voice "Initiation?"
Upon Kanes arrival at Squirts house, I politely asked him if he would like to be a formal member of the brotherhood ( of course nothing he could have done would have given him membership.....nothing at all. As members go.....we're at capacity"). Kane eagerly replied and asked what he had to do.
I poured him a schooner glass of warm vodka and said, drink ALL of this in under 10 seconds.
Not so bad I hear you say!
Logistically Kane is about as big as your standard midget, also very very skinny. Similar in proportions to that of your standard 4 year old Ethiopian.
To his credit he drank the whole thing. I was fucking amazed.
A few minutes later, Rex and I decided to go inside and watch the rest of a movie and asked Kane to come in too. He said that he did not feel so well and would just chill outside for the moment.
After being inside for about the time it takes to eat a McChicken.....we hear a massive crash outside, we run out to find Kane has fallen off his chair....hit his head on the table and passed out on the concrete.
We pondered this situation for a moment, not sure of what to do with him...not wanting to bring him inside. Then it hit me.
I picked him up by the back of his shirt and his belt and carried him, inside to the spare bedroom. Asking Rex along the way to open the sleeping bag up and lay it out like a doona on the bed. I then threw Kane on top of it and proceeded to wrap him, like a big fat joint in the doona.
Once he was firmly wrapped, I then went to the bathroom and got a razor, shaving cream and libra fleur pad.
Rex looked at me like I was some sort of Sadistic fucker....which.....I guess I was.
I shaved off his eyebrow, stuck that libra fluer pad on his face then proceeded to slap his face till he woke up.
The following is an excerpt of the events.
Jimmy "Slap Slap Slap...."WAKE UP C#$T...slap slap slap"
Kane "What, what....where am I?"
Jimmy " What can you see Kane?"
Kane "You bro....I can see you"
Jimmy "Don't lie bitch, you have a pad on your face"
Rex and I then grabbed the end of the sleeping bag and in one flicking motion, ejected Kane from the sleeping bag. As soon as he hit the floor he began to heave and wretch.....not wanting him to vomit on Squirts floor I grabbed him by the back of his neck, stuck my hand over his mouth and dragged him to the bathroom....vomit leaking out between my fingers.
He threw up a whole steak in the sink, witnessing his heinous actions......I picked up the steak and shoved it back in his mouth and ripped that Libra Fleur pad off his face.
I am surely going to burn in hell for this.
He looked in the mirror.......
Kane "Shit bro, where's my eyebrow, who stole my eybrow........?"
Jimmy "Rex stole it.....go get it back"
Kane "Nah man, not my eyebrow....I need that back, REX!!!! Gimme back my eyebrow"
Poor Kane....he never did get his eyebrow back. And as luck would have it, it grew back so fierce that his alcoholic mum took pity on him and shaved off the other one to even it up.
Bottle Bombs
Rex & Sindel always complain that I am the first to pass out...and as a result am always the first to wake up.
One day a few years back we were camping at the castle....a location that was infamous for debauchery, alcohol and misplaced skanks.
I, as usual had passed out early and woken up at the crack of dawn. Realising that my efforts to awaken the brotherhood were futile I decided to go and stoke the fire...have a morning beer and investigate the ruins of the castle. As I am always one for a good explosion, before setting off on my little adventure I threw a full bottle of Toohey's New in the fire. As nothing happened for 5 or so minutes I set off to see what I could find.
I distinctly remember digging in the dirt about 500 metres from where we were camped......then it happened. An enormous explosion ripped through the trees. I jumped up and looked in the direction of where we were camped and saw a mushroom cloud of dust and ash rising about 60ft into the air.
Fearing that I had just blown up my two best friends I ran like a Kenyan on steroids straight toward the campsite. Upon arriving I was relieved to see that the tent was still in place and that Rex & Sindel were still inside...STILL ASLEEP?!?!?!?!
There was no fireplace, no coals, nothing. I had blown a 4ft log about 25 ft away from the fireplace and left nothing but a patch of dirt. I never knew Toohey's New would be so volatile!
I scared myself half to death and those two bastards didn't even wake up.
One day a few years back we were camping at the castle....a location that was infamous for debauchery, alcohol and misplaced skanks.
I, as usual had passed out early and woken up at the crack of dawn. Realising that my efforts to awaken the brotherhood were futile I decided to go and stoke the fire...have a morning beer and investigate the ruins of the castle. As I am always one for a good explosion, before setting off on my little adventure I threw a full bottle of Toohey's New in the fire. As nothing happened for 5 or so minutes I set off to see what I could find.
I distinctly remember digging in the dirt about 500 metres from where we were camped......then it happened. An enormous explosion ripped through the trees. I jumped up and looked in the direction of where we were camped and saw a mushroom cloud of dust and ash rising about 60ft into the air.
Fearing that I had just blown up my two best friends I ran like a Kenyan on steroids straight toward the campsite. Upon arriving I was relieved to see that the tent was still in place and that Rex & Sindel were still inside...STILL ASLEEP?!?!?!?!
There was no fireplace, no coals, nothing. I had blown a 4ft log about 25 ft away from the fireplace and left nothing but a patch of dirt. I never knew Toohey's New would be so volatile!
I scared myself half to death and those two bastards didn't even wake up.
The 2nd Time I Almost Died
Prune........a 30 year old pyromaniac who spent too much time in Thailand smoking buds and drinking mushroom juice.
I met Prune through a mate of a mate and found that we had shared a similar fascination for blowing shit up....this is a excerpt of one of those times.
Prune instructed me to go to the supermarket and buy the following items:
10 rolls of electrical tape
4 boxes of 30m aluminum foil
2 500g cans of butane gas
1 roll of tie wire
2 cartons (40 boxes) of matches
20 packets of sparklers.
And so it was that we constructed our very own IED ( Improvised Explosive Device ).
I had the fantastic idea of gathering all the nails, screws, washers, bottle caps, nuts and broken glass that I could find in his shed and putting them in a zip lock bag...which we would then tape to the IED as a shrapnel bag....yes, a shrapnel bag ( sometimes my lack of forethought amazes even me)
Upon finishing the "Genocidal Death Bag" Warick, Prune and I went off to find a suitable area to detonate. We came upon a hole in the ground (about 1ft by 1ft square) which had half a tree stump next to it. This seemed and ideal location.
We lit the fuse (a sparkler) and ran like hell as far away as we possibly could.
We waited.....nothing........and waited.......still nothing......and waited some more....and still.....NOTHING.
I suggested to Prune that we investigate........he did not feel the same enthusiasm. As Warick was young and impressionable I coerced him into coming with me to check it out.
As we snuck up to the device, we noticed that it was smouldering....upon getting about 5 ft away from it....it made a sound that will sit with me as long as i live...I will try to explain it to you.
Get a drum stick and hit the back of an empty baked bean tin while making a sssssss noise with your mouth. It sounded something similar to that.
I immediately turned around, grabbed Warick and proceeded to run, faster that I ever have before.....straight through the bush.
As we were about 15 metres away from it, I jumped onto the ground just as it exploded. I could hear the bolts, nails and broken glass going over the top of my head.....I was going to die..........
After the smoke had settled and I had checked myself for a pulse and shrapnel wounds, deciding that it was safe enough to stand up....I started walking toward Prune.....and began to notice that the trees around me were covered in nails, bolts, glass and screws. Everyone of them missed us
We went to investigate the hole in the ground....which was now 4ft by 4ft......a truly massive explosion.
Not quite as big as the explosion that occurred when Prune's 9kg gas tank exploded in his shed, but that is his story.
N.B FATHER TIME HAS EMAILED ME:
Shit mother fucker, you and this father time bullshit, the only reason I provide you with links to fucking Wikipedia is that you never believe me unless I give you some sort of proof, and I didn’t exactly thing that you would remember what sort of bible reading upbringing I had so I remember this sort of shit, and fuck man IED if you are talking the terrorist bomb thing is an IMPROVISED Explosive Device not fucking Implemented and yes if I could be arsed signing up for a blogger thingy I would put this rant there.
I met Prune through a mate of a mate and found that we had shared a similar fascination for blowing shit up....this is a excerpt of one of those times.
Prune instructed me to go to the supermarket and buy the following items:
10 rolls of electrical tape
4 boxes of 30m aluminum foil
2 500g cans of butane gas
1 roll of tie wire
2 cartons (40 boxes) of matches
20 packets of sparklers.
And so it was that we constructed our very own IED ( Improvised Explosive Device ).
I had the fantastic idea of gathering all the nails, screws, washers, bottle caps, nuts and broken glass that I could find in his shed and putting them in a zip lock bag...which we would then tape to the IED as a shrapnel bag....yes, a shrapnel bag ( sometimes my lack of forethought amazes even me)
Upon finishing the "Genocidal Death Bag" Warick, Prune and I went off to find a suitable area to detonate. We came upon a hole in the ground (about 1ft by 1ft square) which had half a tree stump next to it. This seemed and ideal location.
We lit the fuse (a sparkler) and ran like hell as far away as we possibly could.
We waited.....nothing........and waited.......still nothing......and waited some more....and still.....NOTHING.
I suggested to Prune that we investigate........he did not feel the same enthusiasm. As Warick was young and impressionable I coerced him into coming with me to check it out.
As we snuck up to the device, we noticed that it was smouldering....upon getting about 5 ft away from it....it made a sound that will sit with me as long as i live...I will try to explain it to you.
Get a drum stick and hit the back of an empty baked bean tin while making a sssssss noise with your mouth. It sounded something similar to that.
I immediately turned around, grabbed Warick and proceeded to run, faster that I ever have before.....straight through the bush.
As we were about 15 metres away from it, I jumped onto the ground just as it exploded. I could hear the bolts, nails and broken glass going over the top of my head.....I was going to die..........
After the smoke had settled and I had checked myself for a pulse and shrapnel wounds, deciding that it was safe enough to stand up....I started walking toward Prune.....and began to notice that the trees around me were covered in nails, bolts, glass and screws. Everyone of them missed us
We went to investigate the hole in the ground....which was now 4ft by 4ft......a truly massive explosion.
Not quite as big as the explosion that occurred when Prune's 9kg gas tank exploded in his shed, but that is his story.
N.B FATHER TIME HAS EMAILED ME:
Shit mother fucker, you and this father time bullshit, the only reason I provide you with links to fucking Wikipedia is that you never believe me unless I give you some sort of proof, and I didn’t exactly thing that you would remember what sort of bible reading upbringing I had so I remember this sort of shit, and fuck man IED if you are talking the terrorist bomb thing is an IMPROVISED Explosive Device not fucking Implemented and yes if I could be arsed signing up for a blogger thingy I would put this rant there.
Anyone For Frozen Maggot?
Rex, Sindel and I have always been avid fisherman....priding ourselves on the fact that since we have known each other, that being the last decade.....we have never caught a single fucking thing.
One day, in a haze of marijuana Rex and I had an epiphany that Maggots would be wonderful bait and that we could cultivate our very own maggot farm. And so it was that we set about the best way that we thought we could ascertain a colony of maggots.
Take one large glass jar, one medium sized porterhouse steak, 3 days of hot sun and a freezer.
Upon leaving the steak in the jar in the sun for three days, we noticed how many flies there were but no maggots. So we capped the jar and threw it in the bin. A day or so later, i took the piss and had a look in the bin just to see if there had been any changes......it was FULL of crawling, filthy little maggots! Eeeew
Realising that we now had enough bait to supply the next 20 of our lame fishing trips I proudly proclaimed to Rex that I would freeze them.
Think of the logistics surrounding this dumb-ass idea.
I lived in a house with a Drag-queen, a crazy ass fat dyke......and a bartender that spent more time cleaning himself than a cat does licking its own ass.
What did I care.......?
I, with the help of rubber gloves...removed the steak from the jar and threw it in the bin, leaving just the maggots. I then took this jar to the freezer and placed it....in full view right next to the Drag-Queens ice cream.
I remember distinctly the blood-curdling scream that erupted from the kitchen one evening as Drag queen opened the freezer and pondered the contents of the jar, opening the jar and realising that it held the sperm of Satan.
Payback for fellating your ass with my airstone you dirty poof.
One day, in a haze of marijuana Rex and I had an epiphany that Maggots would be wonderful bait and that we could cultivate our very own maggot farm. And so it was that we set about the best way that we thought we could ascertain a colony of maggots.
Take one large glass jar, one medium sized porterhouse steak, 3 days of hot sun and a freezer.
Upon leaving the steak in the jar in the sun for three days, we noticed how many flies there were but no maggots. So we capped the jar and threw it in the bin. A day or so later, i took the piss and had a look in the bin just to see if there had been any changes......it was FULL of crawling, filthy little maggots! Eeeew
Realising that we now had enough bait to supply the next 20 of our lame fishing trips I proudly proclaimed to Rex that I would freeze them.
Think of the logistics surrounding this dumb-ass idea.
I lived in a house with a Drag-queen, a crazy ass fat dyke......and a bartender that spent more time cleaning himself than a cat does licking its own ass.
What did I care.......?
I, with the help of rubber gloves...removed the steak from the jar and threw it in the bin, leaving just the maggots. I then took this jar to the freezer and placed it....in full view right next to the Drag-Queens ice cream.
I remember distinctly the blood-curdling scream that erupted from the kitchen one evening as Drag queen opened the freezer and pondered the contents of the jar, opening the jar and realising that it held the sperm of Satan.
Payback for fellating your ass with my airstone you dirty poof.
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